Babies have been on my mind quite a bit lately.
My goodness, there are a lot of downy headed babies around! The perfectly adorable ones that have the curled fingers and long lashes against their pudgy little cheeks. I smile at the young moms and try to say something encouraging. I remember fondly and somewhat hazily, the dog-tired months of feedings and straining to hear tiny breathing sounds in the darkness of the night, the smell of sunshine on a little head, and the ensuing belly laughs when chubby baby toes were kissed.
When we were married, Hubby wanted two children and I wanted four. Two years later we were informed that we might not have ANY without medical assistance. Very young, and not ready to go that route, we left it up to God and began to adjust to this change in plans. A couple more years passed and flu symptoms turned out to be morning sickness. 
It was a gentle reminder that God’s timing is always perfect.
Every two years after, we were blessed with another precious family member! By number 3, our desire was for 4……. or more. Unfortunately, because of 3 c-sections, a list of medical issues began to surface on me. After the 4th or 5th surgery to get everything on me fixed and working properly, the doctors told us having more children could be very dangerous to me and any future babies. They gave me a list of things to expect should we decide to ignore their advice. It was a very scary list.
We prayed about it and talked to others. At the time, I was in the midst of the chaos that ensues with having 3 small children and medical issues. Medical advice argued that I needed to take care of myself so that I would be around to be Mommy to my current babies. Spiritual advice was that this was a sign from God that our quiver was, INDEED full. We went along and took permanent measures. What I felt was a mixture of sadness and relief. Sadness over the blessings that may never be and relief that the decision was all but made by God.
Around the time that the Imp’s 2nd birthday came and went without a baby, I felt very sad. I chided myself for being greedy and poured my focus into the 3 children God has seen fit to bless us with. The sadness passed and I was able to celebrate passing down the baby clothes and car seats, experiencing life without two toddlers in diapers, and seeing some semblance of order resurfacing. Life is good and we have been so blessed.
During our relocations, we were exposed, for the 1st time, to the Quiverful Mindset. While immersed in this community, another side of the question was exposed. I began to wonder if what we had seen as a pretty definite sign from God, was really selfishness on my part? Was I accepting God’s will and listening to the medical professionals HE had gifted…..or was I demonstrating a severe lack of faith by telling God that we had enough blessings and not trusting that my life (or death) was ultimately in His hands anyways? I’ve been very torn and confused since our time there.
I’ve prayed for forgiveness for any selfishness or lack of faith on my part. I’ve discussed this with Hubby and we still don’t have the answers. God brought us 3 blessings, but He also knew we’d require c-sections to ensure their safety. He knew how my body would handle that, and allowed other complications to manifest. God doesn’t make mistakes……but did we?
Would we make the same choice again? I’m not so sure. Will we try to undo things? No, God is not bound by man’s doings, if He choses, He can get around them. But even more importantly is that God will take us where we are at and help us work with what we’ve got. He didn’t expect perfection in Moses, David, or Abraham. He took them as they were and worked His plan through them anyways.
We made the decisions we did, based on the information we had at the time. God knew this and didn’t choose to bring the quiverful set into our lives until later. He has His reasons. We love our children fiercely and will remain open to God’s leadings in this area. I am forever grateful that God can love us where we are at and despite our attempts to take over or fix things. For now, I will relish each of our blessings and look forward to see what God has in His plans for our future.
